Part of my 5 yr curse has lifted….. (very long to say the least)

OMG, DH got a career job.  OMFG.  I am Catholic so this is big for me to cuss and say god in a sentence.  But OMFG!!!!!!   We started to TTC in Jan 2009 and I was staying at home at the time caring for our 4 yr old and 11 mo old children.  This was the only time that I was a stay at home mom.  As DH, got a good job in Dec 2007 when I was 8 mo pregnant w/ DS.  The trick of it all was that it was out of state so he moved immediately and I refused to move until after DS was born as I could not trust anyone else but my current doctors to care for us. 

So for the birth of DS, I was induced at 38 1/2 wks so that we could make sure that DH would be around as I did not want to give birth alone.   When DS was 2 mo old, we moved to Louisiana from Texas and he had to have surgery at 4 mo old which I knew before we moved.  He had bilateral inguinal hernias that had to be corrected and I learned thru that surgery just how backwards Louisiana was compared to Texas.

Now you need to understand that Texans think that Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi are way behind Texas and backwards,etc.  How true, all that is, I have no clue but TEXANS think they rock and I am in that thinking. :):):)

In Texas, when you need a surgery, you make an appt. w/ your surgeon and it is scheduled and it is done in a timely matter.  In  New Orleans, Louisiana, when you need surgery, you go to one hospital b/c there is only one hospital for children for surgeries.  You are thrown in w/ all walks of life and it was an introduction to socialized medicine but the actual wait time was not much different than Texas for the surgery.  The follow up appt. was a complete nightmare and I waited in a waiting room for 8 hr w/ a 3 1/2 yr old and an 4 month old baby.  It was nuts.  I had lots of supplies of crayons and coloring books and regular books and food but still a nightmare as I was still BFing.   I remember that my supplies of entertainment, entertained 10 kids.  Whatever other parents… 

Anyways, even w/ all of this, the 19 months from Feb 2008 to Sept 2009 were the absolute happiness time of my adult life as I LOVED being a stay at home mother. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it.  Did I mention that I LOVED it….?

So when DH, lost his job and I had to go back to work, I was crushed beyond compare.  He lost his job in Feb 2009 but I was not willing to admit it.  He had lost jobs before due to Adult ADD (a whole other post full of stuff) but I had never uprooted myself and dissolved my business and moved away and we had never had 2 children and depended on him only for money to survive.  So when he lost his job, we lived off the recent sale of our house in Texas and his 30K severance.  So finally in May 2009, I was willing to go back to work part time at a local hospital and he eventually got a meager job in July 2009 that moved us back to Texas so that was good.  We moved back to SA and I went back to work fulltime in Sept 2009 by  working for a friend at a homehealth agency fulltime and DH eventually was laid off in Nov 2009.  So now it was up to me to support the family.

Lets just say that I was PISSED so pissed at DH and the world and this was at the same time as I was diagnosed w/ ovarian failure in Aug 2009 and that I would NEVER get pg and give birth  again at the age of 39… 

Since Nov 2009, DH did not work for 1 yr.  Then I made him get a pizza delivery job b/c I was like get something. He did that for about 2 yrs all while trying to find a career job….. It was HELL on our marriage and somehow I still had the energy to TTC w/ OE IVF and in Dec 2011, DE IVF. All while working and being a mother and a therapist and hiding all of this. 

When we lost our twins in Feb 2012, I lost it and drowned my sorrows and hope and everything in drinking wine most nights. I began to HATE my life and DH for his depression, anxiety and ADD which he denied..  I hated the life that I was forced to live.  I had to leave my family and work for a living. Overtime, I detached from them to make money and then more money and then more money.  I was working so much and making so much money just to keep our lives going……. and last yr I decided to to work so much that DH stopped his pizza job b/c I made more and the kids needed some parenting.  I felt exactly like a stressed out man who has to do it all w/ finances and I had to manage the household b/c DH did not have the skills to do anything without being micromanaged and given “lists”….

 Somehow in 2013, I just came to the realization that DH can not cut it in the corporate world and it was all up to me and I began to just accept my miserable fate…  I had run off most of my friends who could not recognize me anymore as I was so stressed out.  Did I mention that I am also the girl scout leader???  Yea, I am nuts….  BTW, I have 1100 cookies to sell if you want some.

So here it is, our 5 yr anniversary of TTC and DH’s 5 yr anniversary of not working a good corporate job..  Now DH has a job that he starts on Feb 3rd and I have to once again adjust and start to move my schedule around to take the kids to school and pick them up while DH begins his new job.  Eventually, I will let my caseload dwindle down from 150 visits per month ( about 30 visits of overtime) to 90 visits per month so that I will be part time.  Ugh, I am hoping that 2014 will shine for us again not only w/ DH’s new job but success w/ our DE cycle.


Thanks for reading all of this ranting…..







2 thoughts on “Part of my 5 yr curse has lifted….. (very long to say the least)

  1. Mrs.Mcirish

    Oh wow sweetie. I’m so sorry it’s been so hard. I was laid off last year and have been home for 13 months now. Part of that was relocating and part was IF/MC depression. Now, it’s just that I don’t even get calls for interviews. I’m a lawyer with a stupid specialty that no one wants and it’s hard to reinvent yourself at 40. I hope this is the start to a great 2014 for you!

  2. jen14 Post author

    Thank you Mrs McIrish for replying to my post. It was a very emotional and special post as I typically don’t show who I really am in real life but thru my blog, I am trying to heal and show who I really am and be authentic. It was so difficult these past 5 yrs w/ all of our IF issues and then having to work and leave my babies w/ others to care for them. What made it more difficult was listening to my parents tell me what a loser DH was and that I should divorce him b/c he could not keep a good job and take care of the family.

    I do not wish IF on anyone and I also do not wish unemployment on anyone who wants to work. I so hope you can find another job when the time is right for you. I have specialized in pediatrics and have worked for 12 out of 15 yrs of my career in pediatrics. I can say that I am good at my profession but I am burned out and when we are done w/ our family building, I will change focus in my career to management in pediatrics or teaching or adult neuro. I can no longer take care of other people’s children until I no longer have kids in my home as I am burned out….

    So starting over in your 40s can be a good thing and find another specialty. It is easy in my profession (one of the reasons why I went into my profession) but if it is not so easy in your profession then I can empathsize. However, I watched my dad start his career over in his 50s and he has Asperger’s (undiagnosed, only diagnosed by me) so if he can do it then anyone can……

    Love and hugs to your my friend…


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