I have been sitting around all day being lazy and watching a marathon of “Dance Moms” and reflecting on my life and how things are going. Well, things have been better and they have been worse. The good thing is, I am aware that I was checked out for so long and now I am plugging myself back into myself, marriage and family.
Tomorrow I have an appt. w/ a new OB/GYN to start the process of another IVF cycle. I have cancelled this appt. at least 5 times over the past few months but tomorrow, I am going. I am going to a new doctor as I can not face my previous doctor that has been w/ me thru the birth of my 2 kids and multiple miscarriages (8 in all) as her eyes look at me too sad and I can not stand it. I have not seen my old doctor in almost 2 yrs since my last miscarriage of twins in Feb 2012. I really think that was the ultimate downslide for myself as I never recovered from that loss. I tried to but when you have infertility then you are not suppose to talk about it with regular people. For the purposes of this blog, regular people are people in my definition that have not experienced infertility. Those damn lucky dogs, maybe I should refer to them as those lucky dogs instead of regular people… Hmmm, food for thought.
So most of my in real life friends (IRL) are lucky dogs who I could not talk to b/c they had their perfect family and were now on health kicks to stay healthy as they entered their 40s. I began this infertility journey when I was 38 (really 36 w/ 3 miscarriages b/t kids) and I was trying to get pregnant before I turned 39 w/ our last baby so that I too could only worry about being fit and healthy as I entered my 40s as well.
However, this was so not the case for me and so many others who have not even had my fortune of having living children like I do. So not only do I not have any IRL friends to confine and share my pain, I really did not even have anyone else who could really relate to me who wanted more kids as I was already so blessed w/ 2. I mean how greedy can one person be???? This is all I could hear in my head when I would share my story w/ online support groups. So I began to internalized everything and year after year, I sank deeper and deeper into depression and avoidance of people and I even turned away from my husband as he was having his own struggles (deep ones that I can get into in future posts) and he is a man and he really can’t get infertility anyways. Trust me, I tried to explain it all to him and he has compassion but he does not understand how deep my pain goes.
So Happy New Year’s and New Blog Day. I hope I can figure out my journey and truly move on in 2014.