I truly think that learning to forgive is my lesson to learn in 2014 as well as a true life long lesson. I have typically walked through life blind and I have missed most of my lessons but not this year. First and foremost, I have to forgive myself for my indiscretions of checking out and blaming so many things on others. I am currently learning to do this as well as forgiving my husband for his failures in life and to try and allow him to move forward to become a better person. I have to forgive my extended family and friends for leaving me when I was depressed and not very much fun to be around and I have to forgive them for not understanding infertility and how to help me. I have to forgive the doctors that missed my issues when there was still time to help me…. Big one to forgive. I have to forgive other women who suffer from primary infertility who think my secondary infertility is not that bad and I need to forgive myself for any lack of compassion that I have ever shown to anyone w/ infertility. I need to forgive the woman who said to me recently, “You are STILL trying to have a baby?” I need to forgive everyone to grow and move forward to become a better person.

Check out this song which sums it up for me. I can not figure out how to post it in my blog.


Part of my 5 yr curse has lifted….. (very long to say the least)

OMG, DH got a career job.  OMFG.  I am Catholic so this is big for me to cuss and say god in a sentence.  But OMFG!!!!!!   We started to TTC in Jan 2009 and I was staying at home at the time caring for our 4 yr old and 11 mo old children.  This was the only time that I was a stay at home mom.  As DH, got a good job in Dec 2007 when I was 8 mo pregnant w/ DS.  The trick of it all was that it was out of state so he moved immediately and I refused to move until after DS was born as I could not trust anyone else but my current doctors to care for us. 

So for the birth of DS, I was induced at 38 1/2 wks so that we could make sure that DH would be around as I did not want to give birth alone.   When DS was 2 mo old, we moved to Louisiana from Texas and he had to have surgery at 4 mo old which I knew before we moved.  He had bilateral inguinal hernias that had to be corrected and I learned thru that surgery just how backwards Louisiana was compared to Texas.

Now you need to understand that Texans think that Louisiana, Alabama and Mississippi are way behind Texas and backwards,etc.  How true, all that is, I have no clue but TEXANS think they rock and I am in that thinking. :):):)

In Texas, when you need a surgery, you make an appt. w/ your surgeon and it is scheduled and it is done in a timely matter.  In  New Orleans, Louisiana, when you need surgery, you go to one hospital b/c there is only one hospital for children for surgeries.  You are thrown in w/ all walks of life and it was an introduction to socialized medicine but the actual wait time was not much different than Texas for the surgery.  The follow up appt. was a complete nightmare and I waited in a waiting room for 8 hr w/ a 3 1/2 yr old and an 4 month old baby.  It was nuts.  I had lots of supplies of crayons and coloring books and regular books and food but still a nightmare as I was still BFing.   I remember that my supplies of entertainment, entertained 10 kids.  Whatever other parents… 

Anyways, even w/ all of this, the 19 months from Feb 2008 to Sept 2009 were the absolute happiness time of my adult life as I LOVED being a stay at home mother. I LOVED, LOVED, LOVED it.  Did I mention that I LOVED it….?

So when DH, lost his job and I had to go back to work, I was crushed beyond compare.  He lost his job in Feb 2009 but I was not willing to admit it.  He had lost jobs before due to Adult ADD (a whole other post full of stuff) but I had never uprooted myself and dissolved my business and moved away and we had never had 2 children and depended on him only for money to survive.  So when he lost his job, we lived off the recent sale of our house in Texas and his 30K severance.  So finally in May 2009, I was willing to go back to work part time at a local hospital and he eventually got a meager job in July 2009 that moved us back to Texas so that was good.  We moved back to SA and I went back to work fulltime in Sept 2009 by  working for a friend at a homehealth agency fulltime and DH eventually was laid off in Nov 2009.  So now it was up to me to support the family.

Lets just say that I was PISSED so pissed at DH and the world and this was at the same time as I was diagnosed w/ ovarian failure in Aug 2009 and that I would NEVER get pg and give birth  again at the age of 39… 

Since Nov 2009, DH did not work for 1 yr.  Then I made him get a pizza delivery job b/c I was like get something. He did that for about 2 yrs all while trying to find a career job….. It was HELL on our marriage and somehow I still had the energy to TTC w/ OE IVF and in Dec 2011, DE IVF. All while working and being a mother and a therapist and hiding all of this. 

When we lost our twins in Feb 2012, I lost it and drowned my sorrows and hope and everything in drinking wine most nights. I began to HATE my life and DH for his depression, anxiety and ADD which he denied..  I hated the life that I was forced to live.  I had to leave my family and work for a living. Overtime, I detached from them to make money and then more money and then more money.  I was working so much and making so much money just to keep our lives going……. and last yr I decided to to work so much that DH stopped his pizza job b/c I made more and the kids needed some parenting.  I felt exactly like a stressed out man who has to do it all w/ finances and I had to manage the household b/c DH did not have the skills to do anything without being micromanaged and given “lists”….

 Somehow in 2013, I just came to the realization that DH can not cut it in the corporate world and it was all up to me and I began to just accept my miserable fate…  I had run off most of my friends who could not recognize me anymore as I was so stressed out.  Did I mention that I am also the girl scout leader???  Yea, I am nuts….  BTW, I have 1100 cookies to sell if you want some.

So here it is, our 5 yr anniversary of TTC and DH’s 5 yr anniversary of not working a good corporate job..  Now DH has a job that he starts on Feb 3rd and I have to once again adjust and start to move my schedule around to take the kids to school and pick them up while DH begins his new job.  Eventually, I will let my caseload dwindle down from 150 visits per month ( about 30 visits of overtime) to 90 visits per month so that I will be part time.  Ugh, I am hoping that 2014 will shine for us again not only w/ DH’s new job but success w/ our DE cycle.


Thanks for reading all of this ranting…..






Another great OB/GYN has entered my life

I now know what if feels like to find a new love again as I found a new and caring OB/GYN. I so miss  my last OB/GYN who has been w/ me for the last 10 yrs but I needed fresh eyes to look at me instead of sad ones.   This new doctor is my age and she did not look down on my DE plans and I did not have to go into all my gory details but gave her a summary of my history.  She did my pap quickly and order  all the bloodwork and mammogram for RBA and we will schedule the sonohysterogram when I start my next cycle in about 2 1/2 wks.  Once we get all that done then I can go back to RBA and see if I am selected for their guarantee program.  I hope so..

I still need to get serious about losing weight as I saw those glaring numbers today on the scale.  I will go for a 2 mile walk tomorrow night as tonight I am plopping down on the sofa to watch me some Juan Pablo on “The Bachelor”. :):):)


What does my baby dream mean???

I dreamt last night that I gave birth to a baby and it looked like a cartoon lizard. In my dream mind, all new babies look like lizards so I was find w/ it. As the dreamed progressed, my lizard baby turned into a normal looking baby and I was so happy and this new baby fit so well into my family. When I woke up and remembered the lizard baby, it made me feel sad again as I always think of my babies that did not make it as looking weird like they do on the ultrasound until they start looking like a real baby in the late 2nd trimester.

I wonder if my dream came to me as I have doctor appt. on Monday w/ another new OB/GYN for my annual and to order all my bloodwork required for RBA. I am scared and nervous and probably have PTSD w/ any doc appt regarding fertility w/ all my losses. I did not really realize that I have suffered from PTSD as I just could not get back on the horse again since my last frostie transfer in Aug 2012 until now. It did not help that I met w/ Dr Creepy last wk but I am glad that I started my period 3 hrs before the appt. and that he refused to do my pap smear since he was so awful.

My dream could have also occurred last night as this month marks our 5 year anniversary for TTC for our next baby. Who knows, but all morning, I was happier than I have been in a while. Overall, I am grateful for the dream.

Wow, 5 years is a long time for anything. I have never held a job for 5 yrs. I have had two different jobs for 4 yrs each and one job for 3 yrs. I graduated from undergrad in 4 1/2 yrs and graduate school in 3 yrs. I was married for 3 1/2 yrs when DD was born and DS was born 3 1/2 yrs after DD. I think my attention span is 3-4 yrs for most things. I pretty much gave up w/ TTC in Aug 2012 after 3 1/2 yrs as I did nothing from that time until 1 yr later in Aug 2013 as I began researching what clinic I wanted to use for my second DE cycle. I have somehow remained married for 12 yrs and going on 13 in April. Oh, no– I don’t want this yr to be unlucky number 13 for us as we will be doing our transfer sometime in the next couple of months.

I hope that my appt. on Monday goes well and that I will not be shaking and almost crying like I did at Dr Creepy’s office.

The waiting game

Moving forward means hurry up and wait. I went to my new OB/GYN appt. on Thursday and my pap was cx due to AF that started 3 hr before the appt.  The new doc creeped me out and charged me for the appt and sent me on my way w/ listening to my HR and palpitating my ovaries to secure a good ability to charge me.  What a waste of my time and energy and story telling.  I hate to share all my fertility hx w/ medical people for the fear of being judged for continuing the IF journey.  For example, you are too old and too fat and you are kidding yourself…. 

I am fat right now but I can change that easily in the next 2 months as  I have only been fat for about 2-3 yrs. Most of my life, I have been in good if not great shape.  I just ordered the Hungry Chick Diet Book b/c I am a hungry girl.  I love salads w/ chicken and I eat one every night for dinner but give me some food during the day…. 

I start my beginner Yoga class on Monday.  I was suppose to start today but the class was cx due to lack of participants.  I am glad they emailed me b/c that would have sucked showing up for nothing.

As far as being too old, well that is the beauty of doing a DE cycle as it does not matter how old you are anymore unless you are past 50ish and then they start up the ageism again.  Good thing I am 43.

On a good note,  yesterday I found a new OB/GYN who is a woman who has good reviews and she has privileges at the hospital down the street from me.   I am going to wait and have this new doc  submit all my lab work and order my mammogram as I don’t want anything to do w/ Mr Creepy OB/Gyn.  So now I have to wait another week and a half to get my bloodwork done for RBA.

So what will I do w/ my time, I go back to work on Monday after my Xmas break, and I will start yoga and eating better.  That is  a lot for me to do and change…  I am also committed to getting off of work early on Thurs to take my DS to his music class.  I have not been in months since I am a workaholic but he loves me there and I love going but work pressures got in the way. There is nothing better than watching a bunch of 5 yr olds singing and dancing around and laughing without a care in the world.   I am also going to try and get off early on Mondays starting in Feb, to do the same for DD for dance class as this will be her last yr in dance class for a while as she needs a break, per DD of course.  Oh, to be 5 or 9 yr old again…. 





Good bye Lover

I am saying “lover” just like Carrie Bradshaw would say it when she would say “Hello Lover” to a new pair of shoes on the show “sex and the city”.  My lover was not shoes but wine for the past 2 yrs.  Mrs W (wine)  held my hand during a lot of turbulent times and now I am saying goodbye to her to move forward w/ TTC which includes losing weight and clean living.  I tried to quit in Dec but I had too many events w/ alcohol so I decided to do it this month.  I don’t really think I am a lush but I did use it more than I should have to relax and unwind and check out…

So they say always replace something you are giving up w/ something else so “Hello Mrs Y” (yoga).  I am already signed up for 14 classes in January starting this Saturday.  The one good thing about IF is that I learned to become a master planner on moving forward. The details of trying to figure out the next steps on how to find our next baby was so consuming and comforting after a failed cycle or miscarriage.

I am signed up for beginner yoga classes and classes for larger people.  Oh, yea… I have gained 25 lbs in my journey.  Yea so much fun..  I would like to lose the weight before our next cycle so that I can start fresh if I am lucky enough to become pregnant on that cycle..  I hope Mrs Y is good to me as I need a new friend….

New Year’s Day

I have been sitting around all day being lazy and watching a marathon of “Dance Moms” and reflecting on my life and how things are going. Well, things have been better and they have been worse. The good thing is, I am aware that I was checked out for so long and now I am plugging myself back into myself, marriage and family.

Tomorrow I have an appt. w/ a new OB/GYN to start the process of another IVF cycle. I have cancelled this appt. at least 5 times over the past few months but tomorrow, I am going. I am going to a new doctor as I can not face my previous doctor that has been w/ me thru the birth of my 2 kids and multiple miscarriages (8 in all) as her eyes look at me too sad and I can not stand it. I have not seen my old doctor in almost 2 yrs since my last miscarriage of twins in Feb 2012. I really think that was the ultimate downslide for myself as I never recovered from that loss. I tried to but when you have infertility then you are not suppose to talk about it with regular people. For the purposes of this blog, regular people are people in my definition that have not experienced infertility. Those damn lucky dogs, maybe I should refer to them as those lucky dogs instead of regular people… Hmmm, food for thought.

So most of my in real life friends (IRL) are lucky dogs who I could not talk to b/c they had their perfect family and were now on health kicks to stay healthy as they entered their 40s. I began this infertility journey when I was 38 (really 36 w/ 3 miscarriages b/t kids) and I was trying to get pregnant before I turned 39 w/ our last baby so that I too could only worry about being fit and healthy as I entered my 40s as well.

However, this was so not the case for me and so many others who have not even had my fortune of having living children like I do. So not only do I not have any IRL friends to confine and share my pain, I really did not even have anyone else who could really relate to me who wanted more kids as I was already so blessed w/ 2. I mean how greedy can one person be???? This is all I could hear in my head when I would share my story w/ online support groups. So I began to internalized everything and year after year, I sank deeper and deeper into depression and avoidance of people and I even turned away from my husband as he was having his own struggles (deep ones that I can get into in future posts) and he is a man and he really can’t get infertility anyways. Trust me, I tried to explain it all to him and he has compassion but he does not understand how deep my pain goes.

So Happy New Year’s and New Blog Day. I hope I can figure out my journey and truly move on in 2014.